I'm headed home to Iowa next week. On Monday. I CANNOT wait.
The weather is beautiful...highs in the 70's lows in the 50's. I'm gonna pack my big red suitcase full of fun fall outfits.
I can't wait to wrap my arms around my mom and just not let go for awhile.
I'm excited to snuggle with my sweet Lily Margaret and do lots of girl things.
I'm excited to play and be wild with my nephews Will and Sam.
I'm excited to sit and have a deep conversation with my oldest nephew Jackson and see him play his drums in the marching band.
I'm excited to make Max smile so that I can take in his dimples that never stop.
I'm excited to see Noah's new dance moves.
I'm gonna go ahead and say that I'm excited to see the sweet Lucy dog and wrestle with her cause she's the best dog ever.
I'm excited to make fun of Cookie the dog cause she is so scrappy.
I'm excited to get made fun of by my bro-in-laws for the amount of layers I will be wearing.
I'm excited to hear Don say, "EMMY!!" and tell me some funny and not so funny jokes.
I'm excited to laugh with my sisters until someone pees their pants.
I'm excited to see the leaves changing.
So many things I'm excited about.
If I'm going to be honest and if I'm going to be vulnerable in sharing my life on this blog, I must include the depth of brokenness along with the joyous heights.
Surely I'm not the only one who struggles.
I've had some rough days. I've had some good days. The rough days seem really bad and the good days are really good. Which makes me feel a little crazy at times.
I'm a feeler. I feel things deeply. I'm an "artist" a "musician" and a typical creative dreamer. I feel depths of emotions. I'm thankful, because I know that God has created me perfectly and uniquely just how He wanted me.
I'm learning, painfully and really far from fully getting it, how to use the depth of these emotions to bring glory to God and not to sin in them. I can easily use the excuse that God has created me to be a feeler and so it's okay when I respond in a way that is dramatic.
That's not okay and that's sin.
I don't know if I know how to fully glorify God in the way I respond to things. Especially when I don't know if I completely understand what is going on inside of me, when I feel such an ache of brokenness.
When I'm down, when I can't seem to lift my head, it is harder to care. I don't feel like myself. The ache seems to be stronger than anything else.
There are times I just want to give up. Be done.
I get so tired.
Tired of feeling so intensely. Tired of not feeling like myself. Tired of changing the mood of a room. Tired of fighting. Tired of having to explain what is wrong. Tired of crying for no reason. Tired of feeling like a crazy person.
BUT GOD...
I'm humbled that in my mess He still loves me and comes after me. He is still God. He has never left me. He binds up my broken pieces. Cleans up my mess. Pursues me with His mercy and His grace. He makes all the brokenness and all the mess, He makes it all beautiful...somehow.
BUT GOD...
He does the impossible. He heals hearts. He gives life. He comforts. He gives victory and strength. He lifts and shields.
Psalm 3:3 "But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head."
BUT GOD...
He hears me. He hears every word I speak, every mutter under my breath, every secret word that I haven't ever spoken of. He hears me. Every cry, every shout, every whimper, every whisper. He hears me.
He is good. Because He is good, I know that all of this is good. He will stay with me. He will show me how to die so that I can truly live.
I have been listening to this song on repeat tonight. "Show Me" by Audrey Assad.
Here are the lyrics:
You could plant me like a tree beside a river
You could tangle me in soil and let my roots run wild
And I would blossom like a flower in the desert
But for now just let me cry
You could raise me like a banner in the battle
Put victory like a fire behind my shining eyes
And I would drift like falling snow over the embers
But for now just let me lie
Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die
Set me like a star before the morning
Like a song that steals the darkness from a world asleep
And I'll illuminate the path You've laid before me
But for now just let me be
Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die No not before You show me how to die
So let me go like a leaf upon the water
Let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea
And I will disappear into a deeper beauty
But for now just stay with me
God, for now just stay with me
I'm resting tonight in peace. ONLY because of HIM.
Psalm 4:8 "In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety."
"So teach my song to rise to You When temptation comes my way. And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You Jesus You're my hope and stay."
-Lord, I Need You from Passion
New favorite song that we just started singing at The Stone called "Praise to the Lord". Love it so much.
This song has connected in a way faster than I've seen, deeper and and more passionate. There is a strong cry that our congregation sings out in this song. It's beautiful.
Such a great day today leading at The Austin Stone. I'm completely humbled that God has allowed me to be part of this church and that He has been so gracious to let me help lead worship.
Today felt different. I felt like my heart connected in a deeper way. I guess that is what happens when you start consistently getting into His word. You start to know more of who He is, and what He's done for you and you can't help but worship Him. He is so good.
We've been singing a song called "Love Shines" some of the guys wrote it and it has been such an anthem for our church. This song came out of a prayer from the book "The Valley of Vision".
The prayer is called "Love Lustres (Shines) at Calvary" it's beautiful....here it is:
My Father, Enlarge my heart, warm my affections, open my lips, supply words that proclaim 'Love shines at Calvary'. There grace removes my burdens and heaps them on Your Son, made a transgressor, a curse, and sin for me; There Your infinite attributes were magnified, and infinite atonement was made; There infinite punishment was due, and infinite punishment was endured. Christ was all anguish that I might be brought in, trodden down as an enemy that I might be welcomed as a friend, surrendered to hell's worst that I might attain heaven's best, stripped that I might be clothed, wounded that I might be healed, thirsty that I might drink, tormented that I might be comforted, made a shame that I might inherit glory, entered darkness that I might have eternal light. My Savior wept that all tears may be wiped from my eyes, groaned that I might have endless song, endured all pain that I might have unfading health, bore a thorny crown that I might have a glory-diadem, bowed his head that I might uplift mine, experienced reproach that I might receive welcome, closed his eyes in death that I might gaze on unclouded brightness, expired that I might for ever live. O Father, who spared not Your only Son that You might spare me, All this transfer your love designed and accomplished; Help me to adore You by lips and life. O that my every breath might be ecstatic praise, Satan baffled, defeated, destroyed, sin buried in the ocean of reconciling blood, hell's gates closed, heaven's portal open. Go forth, O conquering God, and show me the cross, mighty to subdue, comfort and save.
The song that came out of this:
Amazing Love that sent His Son
To suffer in my stead.
The sinless King who died for me,
When I deserved His death.
Yes, I deserved His death.
The Savior wept my every tear,
He groaned that I might sing.
My thorny crown upon His head,
My cross, His suffering
My cross, His suffering
Your love shines
Love shines at Calvary, Calvary
Your love shines
Love shines at Calvary, Cavary
Jesus, Glorious Risen One,
No grave could keep Him stayed.
And He who triumphed over death,
Now lives and leads my way.
He lives and leads my way.
He lives and leads my way
Your love shines
Love shines at Calvary, Calvary
And we proclaim, that Jesus reigns
In victory, victory
From the cross from the grave you rose victoriously
Son of God, King of love you reign victoriously
I love sunsets. Love them. So much that I will take out my phone while I'm driving to capture the beauty of the sky. I did that the other night and realized that it probably wasn't the greatest idea when I looked over and saw the person next to me chewing me out. Apparently I was swerving. oops.
I'm pretty sure that I love sunrises too. Except that I'm usually not up to see them.
Sunsets make me so happy. I love the beauty. I love the colors. It's peaceful.
Here are some of my favorite sunsets that I've captured:
Several days...no... weeks...actually months have gone by.
I have found myself more lost, more depressed, more overwhelmed,
Yet more hopeful, more loved, more confident in who God is.
It's sometimes overwhelming to feel so many emotions one day.
Then the next day feel nothing at all.
I often feel a little crazy.
Sometimes it's easy to put on a good face. I smile...even laugh to force myself into normalcy.
Sometimes it's not so easy.
Sometimes I try and fight.
Sometimes I don't.
I read this the other day:
Psalm 44:2-3, 8
You afflicted the peoples, but them you set free;
for not by their own sword did they win the land,
nor did their own arm save them,
but your right hand and your arm,
and the light of your face
for you delighted in them.
In God we have boasted continually,
and we will give thanks to your name forever.
God is my fighter. He is in control even in affliction.
He afflicts and He sets free.
I try so hard to fight...sometimes. Trusting in my own strength (that I don't have) instead of trusting in the only One who has the power and victory to fight.
There is nothing in me that has the power to win or to save or to fight. God is the only one who can do those things.
His right hand...power
His arm ... strength
the light of His face ... gentleness and sweetness.
He is able to save.
He delights in us with His grace and love.
So that I will boast in Him.
So I lean into Him, trust Him, let Him be my strength, let Him fight for me. Let Him do what He does, and I boast in Him.
He is good, He is faithful, He is constant, He is all I need.
So I will boast.
Listening to this song today by Bethany Dillon.You Are On Our Side.
The words of this song are piercing. Such a great reminder that we have a God who is on our side, who has loved us and sent His son for us when He could have been silent. The orphan, the widow, the broken, the thief, the whore, wherever we find ourselves, He is there. Fighting for us, sitting with us, loving us beyond our comprehension.
Here are the lyrics:
The orphan clings to Your hand
Singing the song of how he was found
The widow rejoices
For her oppressors are silenced now
You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor
You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore
When You could just be silent and leave us here to die
Still, You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side
The runaway falls at Your feet
You are what he has searched for
The rich man is broken
When he stands beneath a sky full of stars
You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor
You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore
When You could just be silent and leave us here to die
Still, You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side
You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor
You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore
When You could just be silent and leave us here to die
Still, You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side
Still, You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side
I love when God uses music to soften my heart. But I have to be careful that I don't rely completely on that to give me life, to soften my heart and to fill me up again.
Jesus can do that. His word can do that.
Psalm 147
"Praise to the Lord! For it is good to sing praises to our God; for it is pleasant, and a song of praise is fitting. The Lord builds up Jerusalem; he gathers the outcasts of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars; he gives to all of them their names. Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure. The Lord lifts up the humble, he casts the wicked to the ground. Sing to the Lord with thanksgiving, make melody to our God on the lyre!"
There is coming a day when this blog will be so much more than just set lists!
Man...I was looking back at my old blog and it made me sad that I haven't been very good about updating this blog over the last few years.
Blogging had been a way for me to journal and to write and to let my peeps in Iowa know what my life is like here in Texas. I've been so bad about it.
Well...starting September 15th, I'm going to be taking a get trained class that my friend is teaching. So as not to think that she will take it easy on me...she is going to be loading me with lots of homework.
Part of my homework is going to be blogging...daily. It will consist of things I'm learning, reading, creating, doing. Hopefully it will be interesting.
For those who care and are interested...keep checking back. I promise. It will be more than just set lists!
If no one ever reads this...that's ok! This is also just for me as a way of writing and journaling and just as a creative outlet.
So read if you'd like. I welcome you into my life.
